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Post by starletinwaiting on Oct 10, 2019 13:12:54 GMT -8
October 4, 2019
Jeremy turned in his two week's notice at work today. His job sucked. It drained him of all his energy and joy for life. Don't get him wrong, he was overjoyed when he first started because it meant a little bit of financial freedom. But after a couple shifts dealing with people, he began to realize that he just wasn't cut out for life as a grocery store clerk. He needs something better. Something more invigorating. Something that will feed him, not drain him.
Giving his notice left him on a high. He felt like he was walking on sunshine or dancing on the breeze. So much so that he forgot that he had made plans with Graciela. When he sees her waiting outside his apartment, it shocks him.
Until it clicks.
"Oh my god, I can't believe I forgot you were coming over! We were going to make dinner tonight, right?" he asks, giving her a quick little kiss. "I had a really eventful day at work today. Can't believe it slipped my mind!"
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Post by Joelle on Oct 10, 2019 16:43:02 GMT -8
"Ahhh, no problem, I've had those.The ones where I narrowly survive a chemical explosion are the worst," she says, shivering involuntarily at a sudden memory. "But hopefully your job is nowhere near as stressful as all that!" She starts taking out the ingredients she had bought for homemade pizza. "I forgot, do you like olives?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Oct 10, 2019 17:14:17 GMT -8
"Yeah. Olives are good," he says, pulling down the mixing bowls and measuring cups. "As for the job... I... I kinda quit. Turned in my two week's notice today. It feels really good too. I've had more energy since then than I have in pretty much the last few months since I got the job."
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Post by Joelle on Oct 11, 2019 10:46:57 GMT -8
"I understand that- the part about energy. Work can be draining." Then the rest of what he said hits her. "You quit? Why? You were so excited to...to be able to...you know...take me out." Without making me feel like I had to pay every time we went to a movie or something, she adds in her thoughts. She's not angry at this point- maybe never- but she knows from listening to Celine and her biological sister Nell blather on about psychology at some family gatherings that sometimes arguments- if they happen- don't stem from actual anger at all, more like other feelings that are hidden and can make someone angry because you didn't tell them.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Oct 11, 2019 12:18:43 GMT -8
Jeremy sighs and shrugs. He really doesn't want to get into it now. Tonight was supposed to be them relaxing, not her grilling him about his life choices. "I dunno... I just feel like there's something better out there for me and I can't find it if I'm stuck in an energy-sucking job, you know?"
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Post by Joelle on Oct 11, 2019 12:48:08 GMT -8
Graciela sees his point, to an extent, so she just nods and lets it go for now. Besides, maybe if he knows there's something better, it means he has some ideas about what that could be. "Sounds like you've made some progress, anyway. That's good."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Oct 11, 2019 13:21:28 GMT -8
"Yeah... I guess. Not sure yet which route I'm going," he says. Watching her face change, he hastily adds, "Again, life-sucking job. I had no energy to think about that stuff. I mean... You saw me. Some days I barely had the energy to go out on a date with you. It felt like I was slipping back into that depressive state I was in after my ex."
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Post by Joelle on Oct 11, 2019 14:02:27 GMT -8
"And God knows you probably don't want to be there again, nor do I want you to." Graciela sighs. Why does adult life have to be so complicated? "And why date at all if you don't have the energy?" she says, managing a halfhearted giggle.
And so, here they are. He'd had the conversation about how he had felt like he needed to contribute something to their relationship, and she assumed it meant monetarily. Honestly, why guys were under so much pressure to be providers is beyond her now that it's a new era, and there are times being the one to pay makes her happy- because they both are happy being together. But she is aware that his old thoughts are probably making it difficult for him, so she doesn't really know what to do to help him. So, on the one hand, providing meant making more money, but making more money obviously sucked energy from a person.
"Being an adult sucks, doesn't it? I mean really, really sucks. And our childhoods were both horrible- so I guess that's saying a lot." she observes.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Oct 11, 2019 14:18:50 GMT -8
"Yeah." The word hangs in the air, the atmosphere tense. He can see the glimmer in her eyes of thoughts unspoken. "I know this isn't what you want to hear from me right now. That I quit the thing that was keeping me afloat financially. I'm sorry if that's a disappointment."
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Post by Joelle on Oct 11, 2019 14:54:12 GMT -8
"I'm only disappointed for you. Like... you wanted to be able to contribute financially so badly. It seemed important, but...I don't know, maybe it wasn't?" She sighs heavily. The truth is, except for herself, she doesn't really know what's important to him, and as much as she would hate not being his girlfriend, if she had met him earlier, maybe she would know.
"I'm not angry, not really, I just don't like seeing you like this. Did I do something wrong? Aren't I enough, or do you still miss her?"
That's probably going to start an argument she didn't mean to start, but it is what she needs to know. "Like...I don't know. I've been trying to help, hoping you will discover yourself. I can't do it for you, that'd be like...programming a robot. And that would be wrong of me, because I don't want to change you. I just want to help. Am I doing that anymore?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Oct 11, 2019 15:56:01 GMT -8
"Yes, you are. You know exactly what you want to do with your life and you're working to get there and honestly, it makes me want to do better too," he replies, heaving a huge sigh. "It's not about you versus her, Graciela. Yeah, I miss her, but I'm not with her anymore. She wasn't good for me."
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Post by Joelle on Oct 17, 2019 11:11:05 GMT -8
"I don't feel like I am helping." she admits. "I know this stuff doesn't happen overnight, but...I kinda wish... like maybe if you had any idea what you wanted to do by now I'd feel like I was helping. I don't know." She takes a shaky breath. "I've never felt like I feel with you with anyone. This isn't you, it's me. I may know what I want to do with my life, but on the other hand it frustrates me that...oh never mind. There I go expecting things to happen overnight."
She has a suspicion why she's like this, and it has a little bit to do with her past. But it won't help.
"Never mind. I've never felt like I do with you...with anyone. Let's focus on that. I don't want to argue tonight."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Oct 28, 2019 1:07:30 GMT -8
"Frustrates you that what?" Jeremy asks, having sat through the rest of her rant fixating on that one line. "You can't just start to say something then backtrack like that. Especially not in the middle of this kind of conversation."
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Post by Joelle on Oct 29, 2019 12:35:31 GMT -8
"I just..." She sighs. "Look. I know you've been through a lot. I guess I just don't get why that would impact your career choice or whatever. Can you try to explain why it is that you don't know what you want to do with your life? I get that we're told that we have to figure this stuff out at an early age. But...I don't know...I'd at least have gotten a job after someone broke up with me. Maybe not right away, but I would think it would help. It would be a distraction. And you were so proud to finally be...traditionally taking me out. I guess I just don't get why you would give that up. I mean, on one level, I do...I would miss you if you were working a lot. But would it not hurt to work...some? And would it not help you decide whether or not you like something?"
Graciela nibbles an already annoying hangnail. "Now you see?" She doesn't want to have this sound offensive, but how many other ways could she have said it?
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 5, 2019 14:21:05 GMT -8
"First off, I decided I didn't like working at a grocery store. So yeah, it did help. But do you really not see how something like my last breakup could send somebody spiralling? I mean, come on! Losing a baby and then also the baby's mother and the kid you'd come to think of as your own? That's pretty freaking depressing. And yeah it may have only been circumstantial, but you do know how paralyzing depression can be, right? I mean, you're working in a field related to medicine, so you'd better! Am I really going to have to explain to you that I was grieving and grief does some weird s*** to people?"
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Post by Joelle on Nov 5, 2019 14:56:27 GMT -8
"That's not quite what I meant." Graciela says, a little taken aback. Jeremy curses, of course, but it seems to be rare around her. "I meant like...you're with me now! You haven't decided in the last few months what might be a good fit for you at all? I realize we all have setbacks occasionally, but come on! Can you see why I don't feel like I'm helping?"
What chance does she have of helping other people if she can't even help him? She's easily as frustrated with herself as she is with his seeming lack of progress,so that doesn't help her shock. Now she's taking everything out on them both, seemingly. "I must be studying the wrong field! When you try to help people, it's supposed to work! Or are you just being a stubborn j****s?"
Great, now he has her cursing, too. She'll have a heck of a lot to confess to the priest next time!What is wrong with guys? Maybe she was smart not to date until now.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 5, 2019 18:27:11 GMT -8
"It's called giving it a little bit of time, jeez!" Jeremy groans, leaving the kitchen. With a hefty sigh, he flops onto one of the couches, running a hand down his face. "I'm sorry I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do when we met and I'm sorry that a few months hasn't miraculously solved things! I've had a lot going on. Including getting used to a new relationship and a new job. Things don't always work out as cleanly and obviously as they apparently did for you."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 7, 2019 12:40:21 GMT -8
Graciela sighs. He's right, but she still feels lost. And his comment about getting used to a new relationship taking time kind of floors her. "Um...excuse me? Wow, I never thought getting used to being accepted for yourself was so hard." Now she's not so much angry as confused.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 10, 2019 15:25:01 GMT -8
"Wow. Yeah, because clearly this conversation is definitely accepting me as me," Jeremy spits. It feels like his head is spinning. "Can't you just accept that this job wasn't for me and that maybe I need a little bit of a break from the mindnumbing-ness of working at a grocery store to recoop before I can focus on finding something that's more me? Geez, Graciela, I'm sorry I'm not as organized with my life as you!"
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Post by Joelle on Nov 10, 2019 15:50:45 GMT -8
"I might be organized, but... but... you know why!" Now she's so confused she's almost in tears. "Everything else about my life prior to age 12 was hell! Not having enough food. A bio dad who drank and abused my bio mom and finally snapped and they were both gone... Aislara and I had to be organized to make sure we and Jeremiah ate. And sure, what happened helped me to find a career, but I can think of better ways to have learned about cool jobs. You have that opportunity now, for those other ways to learn about jobs, that I never will now. I'm a little jealous, actually. To see you not seeming to take those opportunities...I mean, sure, maybe you need more time. I get it. The hard part, I guess, is knowing how much time will set you back in actually finding that career you want. If I get frustrated...like I said, I'm jealous." She sighs, wiping away a tear she hadn't expected.
"It's so totally obvious that we both have things to work on. But it's also totally obvious- at least for me- that...that we're each other's person, you know?" And that's why she's unsure about taking a break. If she takes a break, he might find someone else, or even give up on dating entirely. God knows Graciela nearly did.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 10, 2019 16:07:31 GMT -8
"You seem to forget that my childhood was pretty hellish too," Jeremy snaps. "That I came from poverty too. And foster care. You know what bouncing around from house to house does to a kid? Especially knowing that my parents gave me up willingly. Like, they preferred me being in the system to me being with them. I've seen what trauma and abuse does to a person. Hell, I've lived it. Multiple times. You don't exactly hold the title of Worst Off."
Jeremy sighs. "If you're really 'my person,' you'll try to understand things from my perspective."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 10, 2019 18:22:39 GMT -8
"I am trying." She sighs too. "I guess our experiences affected us in different ways. And...maybe that's partly why I don't understand- because I'm not you. We are so different- not that one of us is better than the other, but we are different, and made different decisions, some of them based on our experiences."
She clears her throat. "I want to understand- but maybe that's my point. This is my first relationship. I don't really know how it goes yet, if that makes any sense. I don't think I asked- how long were you together? Maybe that will give me a clue as to why you were so depressed for so long."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 10, 2019 19:54:32 GMT -8
Jeremy takes a long, slow breath to steady himself. "A year or so, I think, going on two," he replies. "We'd known each other in high school and we had kinda a flirty thing going, but then she started dating this other guy and got pregnant with his kid. She was the cutest. She was actually the reason we started dating and she really clung to me. So I basically lost the girl I thought I was going to marry and the girl who became like my own daughter. We were engaged and shared an apartment and everything."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 10, 2019 20:01:33 GMT -8
"God, now I feel like an idiot." Graciela blushes. "Of course you'd feel...like the bottom fell out of your world, because it basically did. No wonder...God! We both have stuff to work on. but I guess me more. I didn't understand before, but that gives me a better idea. I'm sorry."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 10, 2019 21:02:22 GMT -8
"Why do you say you have more to work on? What's that even mean?" Jeremy asks with a huff. "I don't understand that."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 10, 2019 21:17:05 GMT -8
"Obviously if we're having an argument this early on, something has to be...off, right? And it was my fault. I didn't understand it all before, but that doesn't excuse it."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 10, 2019 22:22:01 GMT -8
"Babe, arguments happen," Jeremy sighs. "Let's not place blame on anyone, okay? It's obviously a combination of things."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 11, 2019 9:18:24 GMT -8
"That's what I meant by having to work on things. I mean, obviously we're gonna have to work not to get so stressed that we take it out on each other. Nobody is perfect, but that combination of things that caused this needs to be figured out and nipped in the bud- even if it takes, like, counseling. And it's really hard to admit the kind of stuff I've been through to other people- you, too, I bet. So the counseling thing is gonna be hard, if we do it, but please understand I'm trying here."
Suddenly, she gasps. She has what might be a sentient idea.
"If you had to talk to someone, it could be Celine. She's about to graduate with a Psy.D degree in a few more months- in the spring, I think- and needs the practice. And your stuff about your bio parents...it happened to her, too, though her circumstances were different. She'd get it."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 11, 2019 9:42:24 GMT -8
Jeremy runs a hand through his hair as he takes a deep breath. "I dunno... I mean... I know I probably should talk to someone. And there's no shame in it. Zach and Curtis both have. Do. But, like... It's harder when you have to actually tackle counselling for yourself."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 11, 2019 10:01:50 GMT -8
Graciela nods. "That's kind of why I suggested my sister. It won't be like going into an office and stuff- she would do it at the house, or at church, either one. In a more comfortable environment, it might be easier to open up, and she wouldn't ask us to pay. That's not why she chose psychology- she chose it first to figure out what her bio parents may have been thinking, and then decided to get a doctorate so she would learn as much as possible- in order to help people. When it's all said and done, I think she's going to help Theo at the church, with people who come in there. No pressure- but this way, we'd do it together, you know?"
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