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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 27, 2019 11:51:56 GMT -8
August 24, 2019
After a long day of moving everything from trucks into their New house, Anastasia flops onto the couch the minute she knows Jude is fast asleep. "Oh goodness, that was such a long day," she sighs, head resting on the back of the sofa.
Spotting Nathanael out of the corner of her eye, Anastasia sits up and pats the seat beside her. "You worked really hard today, babe. You should come relax with me while we have the opportunity," she invites him. "We've been so busy lately, it feels like we haven't had the time to talk about much."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 27, 2019 11:59:31 GMT -8
"Yeah." He nods, pulling himself up and transferring from his wheelchair to the couch. Although he uses his wheelchair on bad days and wears braces on good ones, and today is a physically bad day, he finds the couch oddly more comfortable. "Ahhh, this is better on my back and butt." He laughs. "I missed you." They have such great conversations, and he's been a little lonely, if consumed with finalizing the news crew job.
"Seriously, though? I have no idea why Uncle Elliott ever left. It's good to be back."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 27, 2019 12:10:19 GMT -8
"Yeah. I'm glad you suggested it. I think the schools will be really good here," Anastasia replies, slipping her hand into his. "I've heard only good things about them. And you know that's important to me." She sighs, leaning back against rhe couch. "Hopefully we can both finalize job stuff soon."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 27, 2019 16:06:37 GMT -8
"Yeah, not to mention everyone is generally very friendly here- nothing at all like Boston. Well, some parts of Boston. I can't wait to meet some of my colleagues, or for the kids to make friends." He squeezes her hand. "I like being here with you, though. Maybe I'll just stay home," he teases.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 27, 2019 16:14:28 GMT -8
Anastasia laughs and shakes her head, adjusting to lean against him. "I like being here with you too." A sobriety falls over her as she pulls back from him, distancing herself to give him a once over.
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Post by Joelle on Aug 27, 2019 16:21:25 GMT -8
He is a little surprised, as she had just seemed content before, but then wonders if she'd rather be in bed. "Tired?" He smiles empathetically. "Me, too. Why don't we go to bed since the kids went to sleep? I think the time change may have worn everyone out."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 27, 2019 16:31:28 GMT -8
Anastasia tries a smile to cover her brief lapse. She moves to get off the couch before repositioning herself right back where they were. "I don't know if this is the- the right place or time, so I won't say anything yet if you're not ready, but... We're going to need to talk at some point."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 27, 2019 16:37:12 GMT -8
"Huh?" Now he's really confused. "What do you mean? About what? And what does me being ready have to do with anything?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 27, 2019 16:46:27 GMT -8
"Babe, don't- don't worry about it tonight," Anastasia tries to take back her last words. It's clearly not the right time... She doesn't know why she ever thought it could be. "We're both tired. We can... talk later."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 28, 2019 16:33:34 GMT -8
"Okay. Maybe tomorrow- when the kids are signed up for school?" he asks. "This seems important- but if it's important enough for you to tell me when the kids are asleep, surely it can wait until they're out of the house entirely. Right?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 28, 2019 17:00:52 GMT -8
Anastasia nods tiredly. "Yeah. It can definitely wait until then. But just let me know if you're not up for an important maybe- maybe kinda heavy conversation, okay? I don't want to put more on you than you already have."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 28, 2019 18:05:34 GMT -8
"No kidding, we've not finalized our job stuff yet, as we've just pointed out. But...it sounds important enough to worry you. I hope you're not regretting this move." he says seriously.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 28, 2019 18:27:00 GMT -8
"No, no, babe, I'm not- I'm not regretting the move," Anastasia says, sitting up straight to look her husband in the eyes. "I just have a thing or two that's been on my mind for awhile. It's nothing, really. Nothing to worry about anyway."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 28, 2019 19:06:32 GMT -8
"Okay." He kisses her cheek, then considers. "Maybe we could just wait until they're in bed for good tonight. This sounds like it has you worried."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 28, 2019 19:18:57 GMT -8
"Worried? No, no, not really," Anastasia mutters. She would never admit the real reason behind her nerves. Not until after divulging the information. "It's just--" She sighs, biting her lip. "It's just been on my mind. For awhile."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 29, 2019 8:05:10 GMT -8
"Okay." He's not convinced, but he leaves her to herself for now. She will talk when she is ready.
Later, when the kids are in bed...
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 29, 2019 10:03:31 GMT -8
Anastasia has headed to prepare for bed herself. Standing in the bathroom, she slowly takes off all her makeup, what little she had on to begin with. She stares at her bare skin in the mirror, her short hair clinging to her forehead. With a sigh, she turns to look at her profile, frowning.
She jumps when the door opens. "Nate! Oh gosh, you startled me."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 29, 2019 14:23:33 GMT -8
He smiles. "You're beautiful even without makeup, you know it?" He heard her sigh though. Clearly, she is bothered by something. "Okay. What's up?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 29, 2019 14:47:39 GMT -8
"Why don't you get into your pajamas and I can tell you in bed?" Now she's clearly stalling. "I can make us some tea or something. Something soothing and comforting." Hopefully to take the edge off herself.
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Post by Joelle on Aug 29, 2019 17:11:30 GMT -8
He senses she's nervous. She sounds a little bit like the kids, not wanting to go to sleep after they've had nightmares the previous night. But he lets her stall, because he could use something to relax himself, too. Moving is hard work, let alone doing so when one physically hurts.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 29, 2019 18:57:23 GMT -8
Anastasia takes his silence as her go ahead, leaving the bathroom before he can speak up to change his mind. Her steps pick up in speed the further she gets from the bathroom, her pace matching her speeding heartrate. In her current emotional state, clanging around the kitchen is her instinctual reaction but the parent in her takes over. Knowing the kids are all in bed, she silently opens the cupboard and pulls out the electric kettle, plugging it firmly into the wall after she fills it.
As she waits, Anastasia takes a seat on the floor, two mugs lined up on the counter. One, Nathanael's, reads "Best Dad Ever!," clearly a Father's Day present from the kids one year. Hers, however, she chose the plainest possible mug they own, a simple white with a navy blue stripe across the middle. Each mug carries its teabag, chamomile, one of Anastasia's favorites, especially when nerves and tension are running as high as they have been.
After what feels like decades have passed, the kettle clicks off, signalling the water has boiled sufficiently. Anastasia shoves herself off the floor with a deep breath, taking her time to fill each cup just so in an attempt to buy even mkre time for herself. Grabbing the mugs, she turns to leave when an idea hits her. From one of the cupboardts she pulls a tray. Nathanael's mug sits nicely on one side, hers leering menacingly at her from the other. She tosses a couple of spoons, some extra sugar packets from last Starbucks runs, and the bear-shaped bottle of honey onto the tray and heads back to their bedroom.
Gingerly, she places it on the bedside table and crawls into the bed, waiting for Nathanael to finish in the restroom. Her fingers tap against her thighs. She should've guessed he wouldn't be out yet. Tea takes five minutes to make. That's hardly enough time for anyone to finish in the restroom. And yet her thoughts race as she replays the speech in her head that she's been formulating for what feels like an eternity. She really only started it a week ago.
She reaches for her mug only for the bathroom door to open, once again startling her, thankfully before her fingers wrap around the glass. "Oh, geez, Nate, you've got to stop scaring me like that," she chuckles nervously.
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Post by Joelle on Aug 30, 2019 7:42:43 GMT -8
He carefully eases himself onto the bed, using his cane since his braces aren't the best as far as having traction goes, "Breathe, sweetie." Clearly, whatever she has to tell him is making her nervous, and he senses that she might need the reminder, just like she probably did when giving birth.
He remembers then that she told him to prepare for a heavy conversation, and he wonders if, in its own way, this conversation is bringing pain, too.
After he removes his braces, he reaches for the mug of tea, adding two of the packets of sugar, but not taking more than a few sips just yet. Too much at one time will put him to sleep, and clearly this conversation is something he'll need to be awake for. Still, this is very nice, and he can sense that she's put what seems to him like a lot of effort into making everything.
He fights the urge to take her hand, wanting to comfort her, but she seems so jumpy that he worries he might frighten her again. Carefully, he takes one more sip of tea, then replaces the mug on the tray, looking at her searchingly.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 30, 2019 8:35:43 GMT -8
Cupping her hands over her own mug of tea, Anastasia doesn't turn to look at him, her gaze focussed on the wall in front of her. Quietly, she takes the honey from the tray and swirls it into her mug. The tink of the spoon against the glass fills the eerie silence as she gears herself up to bare her soul. She breathes in the scent of the tea, taking Nathanael's reminder to heart, breathing in slow and long and deep.
She takes a sip, allowing the heat of the mug to seep into her hands and give her courage. "You know that we've always been close," she begins, her voice a soft whisper, softer even than when they talk in front of their sleeping children. "And you've always told me that I could tell you anything. Anything whatsoever that might be on my mind at any given tine."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 30, 2019 20:06:55 GMT -8
"The offer still stands, you know that," he says softly. "It always will." Even if it doesn't seem like she quite believes it at the moment, he means every word. "I can't imagine what would make you think any differently," he adds, trying not to show how concerned he's become- about Anastasia herself, not about what she may or may not have to tell him. But then it hits him, or so he thinks. A feeling of dread makes his skin crawl.
"It's not about your health, is it? I hope not. We'd get through it...I'd still be here for you... but...that would be scary."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 30, 2019 20:24:23 GMT -8
Anastasia shakes her head, finally daring a glance in Nathanael's direction. "Not exactly..." she mumbles, taking another sip of her tea. In her short time on this earth, she has certainly mastered the art of stalling if nothing else. "It may eventually affect that area, but, no, it's not really about my health."
Sucking in a sharp breath, she turns to face her husband. "I've been thinking about this for a really long time. Since the girls, really. And since James it's been even more on my mind. And..." She gulps down the tears rising in her throat. "I promised myself I'd tell you once we settled in. I just..."
Another gulp followed by another deep breath. She knew this would prove difficult, but she should have imagined it would be this difficult. She had convinced herself that speaking her mind would be easy; she would simply be speaking her truth, after all. And yet sitting here, nearly face to face with the only man she's ever loved, she can't seem to find the right words.
"I know it's not gonna be easy for you to hear it and I honestly don't even know if you'll accept it. Or me for that matter when you hear it. And the idea that I could lose you and- and all four of the kids is just... it's horrific," Anastasia blurts, choking on the last word.
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Post by Joelle on Aug 31, 2019 8:27:59 GMT -8
Suddenly, he is more concerned than he's ever been. If it's not about her health, but could eventually affect that area, it sounds bad. If she's thinking about losing him and the kids, that's worse.
"At this point, anything you have to tell me can't possibly be worse than what I imagine," he admits, breathing deeply to try to stop the feeling of spiders crawling up his back. (OOC: That's a nerve thing. I forget what they call it or the part of the brain that causes it.)
"But what do Little Therese, Lucy, and James have to do with any of it? I mean, other than that you worry you could lose them, which is bad enough."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 31, 2019 10:44:04 GMT -8
"I doubt your imagination is rolling in the right direction," Anastasia says with an unexpected bitter laugh. Taking a breath to settle herself, she sets her cup of tea down and takes his hands in hers. "I just- I know you're not going to like what I have to say." She's been dreading this moment ever since she realized. What with his religious background and her own...
"I just keep hearing these voices." She pauses long enough to assure him, "Not, like, actual voices as if I had gone insane." She shakes her head as another bitter laugh escapes her lips. She's started to feel like maybe she has started down the slow path towards insanity. "Just... The voices of people from our past. My parents. Your parents. The youth pastor at my church. My grandfather." She shudders just thinking of how the old man would have responded to what she has to say if he hadn't passed away several years ago. "They're telling me that it can't be right. That the things I'm feeling are- are wrong."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 31, 2019 11:16:12 GMT -8
Now he has an idea of where this conversation is headed. "Um...okay." He decides to keep an open mind about this, as much as he can, anyway. "I still don't understand the part about the kids, though. I mean- I doubt they will understand, exactly, but...but they won't love you less. For that matter, neither would I...even if it meant...letting you go." An unexpected wave of emotion crashes over him at the thought. "I never expected...to have you anyway. You know that conversation." He doesn't want to bring it up again; it would be too much at this moment. But he'd never expected to get married or have kids. He never expected someone would see past the wheelchair and the braces.
But she had. It's going to hurt him to let her go, more than anything. But he will. He's used to letting things go, even things he's wanted for so long, but more than that, he loves her enough.
He's obviously hurting, but he can't be bitter. Not yet, anyway.
"If you love something, set it free, right? I do have to know one thing, though. Who is she?" He obviously doesn't understand that she might be talking about something different than that, even if she might be.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Aug 31, 2019 11:52:32 GMT -8
Anastasia furrows her brow. "Who is--?" And then it hits her. "Oh, gosh, no, no, that's- it's not that." Though she supposes... She shakes it off. "It is... in that, umm, that category though."
She sighs, leaning back against the wall, eyes again averted from him. "As for the kids..." Looking up at the ceiling, she slowly lets out a breath. "It was... hard for me. Not just in the fact that it's painful, because it is, but... You know I've always felt... a little uncomforrable in my body." She'd always chalked it up to the typical teenage hatred for how her body looked: she was terribly skinny with hair that never cooperated. She had braces when she first met Nathanael, and she hated the way they made her smile glint in the light. She always wore baggy clothing, clothes she could hide her figure under.
With tears in her eyes, she glances at Nathanael as she finishes, "It's... more along those lines."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 31, 2019 14:50:27 GMT -8
"But you wanted children, so you...lived with it?" he fills in. "I think I see now." It's definitely a shock to him, but at the same time, he feels like he should have expected something like this.
"You're wrong, though," he whispers. "I don't hate you. Other Christians we know won't like it, but we should never hate anyone. I try to live by that."
He sighs. "Still...I feel like I should have expected...something. Precisely what, I don't know, but something. I always wondered why you would hide your figure when you were so beautiful. I know you didn't like the braces, but..." he gestures to his own braces, though they are the orthopedic ones. "I don't like mine either." Despite himself, he laughs. "I'm not saying this isn't a shock, but...I don't know, maybe I should have guessed?" There's no way to make this better. She can't help how she feels. He knows that. But maybe if he blames himself, it won't hurt as much.
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