Remembering and Moving Forward

Celine has just finished taking a fresh load of laundry out of their front-loading dryer. She folds the still-warm clothes, which feel good against her hands. "Hey, you." Celine grins and kisses Theo on the cheek. "I wasn't expecting you to be home at this hour." Not that she minds. It's nice to have a morning together every so often.Lately, with the baby due in September, and it being May, Celine has wished it would happen a little more frequently. The one thing she hates thinking about is the possibility that she could begin labor alone. It seems to be a common fear with women who have medical issues or other reasons for not driving.

She can't resist a grin. "A present, too? You know, I was just telling your mom the other day, we actually get to have a baby shower this time. No need for you to..." Then it hits her. "This must be for something...else? Your mom and I talked about our angels- theirs and ours." Celine touches the ribbons thoughtfully for a second and opens the package.

When it is open, Celine finds...

"Oh, Theo, they're all perfect." Her eyes fill a little over the pictures. "How did you get those? I mean- there was a time when those pictures would have just made everything worse- that's why I kept them hidden...for awhile. But now, they're perfect."

Suddenly, she is glad- a little- that they haven't told the kids yet. Now she will have these things to show them.

"There is one thing. Your mom said- and I think she's right- that I should pray about sharing these stories with other people, preferably after we tell the kids. She understood that the whole time, after the second miscarriage, the talk was the whole problem. The- the thing I can never find a proper word for. The fact that it was so public, I mean, and that that just made people talk even more than usual, maybe. Anyway- she's right- they need to be shared, but I told her I might panic if I did- that I wasn't sure I could forget the horror enough to survive it without medically fainting or something. And that after how people at church in general reacted, at least to this, I'm just a little afraid no one would help me if I did, and the second one in particular still makes me uneasy to remember. How ghosted I felt. She understood that too, feeling ghosted with her cancer. That's why she told me to maybe do it both at church and the community center. As much as I've tried to heal from this- with God's help- there are times when I think some unbelievers follow Christ without knowing it yet, if you get my point, while some who claim to be Christians actually aren't. Anyway...I don't know what I can do if anything physical happens-not that I'm saying it for sure will. I just wanted you to know. "

"If I pass out or something... from panic... or emotion. Either one could cause it, medically. "The pain of talking about it. Thinking about it. I think I did faint...after the second miscarriage, for a few minutes or so. I remember the paramedic saying, "probably no D& C"- and that time there wasn't-and then I said "Thank God!" and everything went black. Next thing I knew, I saw the hospital lights...." Celine gulps. "I never forgot that feeling. If the going black is the fainting, that is." She hadn't fainted before, and she hopes never to again.

Celine thinks about this. "Yeah...I mean, it's a little more than that- that after how ghosted I felt at church, no one would... call 911 or something if I did need help, but..." she smiles sheepishly. "Why do I think that I would be alone at such a time? I know it's probably normal to do so, but it's your story, too. Maybe... too... I've been at home a little too much- because of waiting to make sure the baby would move, in part- but now that that wait is over I can relax." Celine gives herself a little shake mentally. "It's time to get brave with this. Now that we have these..." Celine runs her hand over the pictures, though she doesn't want to get a thumbprint on the necklace and ruin its shininess. "After school today, we can tell the kids. Then..,everyone else, when we get it set up. Do you know if we have a pregnancy loss support group at the center? Maybe if you didn't mind and felt led, you could share your perspective too. There have to be enough men who would care, too for the sake of their significant others. "

She reaches for his hand. "Don't get me wrong, it's still going to be rough, but it's time. Maybe sharing our story is part of my healing." Celine smiles.

Finn notices the necklace Celine is now wearing. "What's that?" He reads it aloud, then says, "Shouldn't you have a T for Uncle Teague and a D for Aunt Dawn? "

Celine glances at Theo. "Why didn't I think of that? He's right, in a way- it almost could be either." She wants to laugh, but can't quite manage it.

"You're right, but this one isn't for them, son. The A stands for Adrian and Anastasia- your brother and sister in Heaven."

Finn wants to understand, but he's a little confused. "How did they die?"

Even Celine had trouble understanding miscarriage herself, and she's not really sure if she can come up with an explanation- scientifically- that will make sense. But maybe admitting that she doesn't know why any more than Finn is a good first step.

"That's a hard question to answer. Not even doctors know why, really. But for some reason, whether it's something too wrong with a baby for it to survive or if it's...something that happened because of me- I mean, because of my accident-"

Celine stops. She feels like she's doing this all wrong! If she takes that route she'll start blaming her injury again, and therefore herself. She thinks extra carefully before continuing. She doesn't want to make the explanation harder on any of them than it already has to be.

"Nobody knows why some babies never live outside of their mothers. But it doesn't mean they were any less alive then than they would be if they were here with us. Just because you can't see something with your eyes doesn't mean it's not there. We can't see Jesus physically either- yet. But He's still here with us."

It's something she wishes someone had told her after the first miscarriage- that not being outside of your womb doesn't mean a baby didn't live- in the physical sense- at all. It's something it took longer to understand with her heart than with her head.

Celine takes a few deep breaths to steady herself again. It's hard to explain things to your kids when you don't have a clue either, but especially something like this.

Trying to briefly distance herself a little, Celine is almost sure she messed this up somewhere, because it is her own experience. Maybe Celine shouldn't have added the part about her accident maybe being part of the cause, even though it's something she's thought of a million times. Knowing that, medically, women with spinal cord injuries have very good chances of having a healthy baby and have about the same risk of miscarriage as those without physical challenges means it could be false, but there are always exceptions. Sometimes there are even exceptions to the exceptions!

"I'm sorry to hear about your ladybug, Verity. It's never easy to have to accept death."

Finn understands a little more after both of his parents have explained. "So even though we didn't know them- like you and Mommy knew Aunt Dawn and Uncle Teague... they were still here and...you remember that they were, and you're sad." he says. "But you're happy because you have them to meet when you get to Heaven."

He understands a little more now, but he's still wrapping his head around that he had siblings other than Verity.

"Wow! That's neat! I'll be happy to meet them!"

Carefully, he approaches Celine, trying to figure out something by looking at her tummy. "Did they move?"

She sighs, thinking, and then something hits her.

"I never felt them. But some doctors say a mother can't always feel that for a long time. They could have."

"Okay."

"There's another baby in Mommy's tummy right now. A few nights ago, I felt it move. This one is coming to stay with us." It still makes her choke up a little, both for the wonder of it and for the fact that there is such happiness after losses like theirs.

Finn stares at her tummy again, then from Celine to Theo, his brow furrowed. "Should we touch it?" He wants to touch Celine's tummy, but if he does he's afraid that they will lose this baby too. If they act like they know it is there, will it go away?

Celine grins like an idiot as Verity kisses her belly. Seeing that his sister has no fear, Finn touches his mother's belly tentatively.

"All happiness is good to accept, Finn. For however long it lasts. No matter what happens, this baby will know it is loved, and you will know you love the baby."

"Okay." Finn plants a kiss on her belly, too.

"Your turn," Celine teases Theo, her eyes dancing with happiness.

Celine feels like she's never been happier in her life. As Theo kisses her belly and then her lips she feels like she is floating.

She laughs. "Verity, sweetheart, it's a good thing. A wonderful thing, that God made." She has even read it's good for the kids to see them having a good relationship, as well as for Celine and Theo to have time to themselves. (https://www.parents.com/parenting/relationships/staying-close/happy-parents/ )

"But you'll both understand when you're...hopefully, much... older!"

"Then maybe you'll marry Uncle Trenton. He's neat, too," says Finn to Verity. "I'm gonna marry Aunt Tia. Her pies are great!"

Celine is just as amused, though she wonders briefly if that's a veiled comment about her cooking, although her times have improved greatly. Then she laughs harder as she remembers. "Aunt Tia caught the flowers at Mommy and Daddy's wedding!"

Finn's eyes get big. "The ones that mean you get married next?"

"Because I'm about to be nine."

Celine laughs. "So you are!"

"She must have been little, like younger than me right now! But see, there's proof. I'm gonna marry her." Finn grins.

"You just say that because of your stomach," teases Celine good-naturedly. Finn blushes, then says, "About the baby, when will it be coming?"