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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 11:22:25 GMT -8
Lucian grabs his jacket before opening the door for Aurora. "I'll be right back," he reminds his older brother. He just hopes he won't somehow manage to screw up a simple walk home too. To Aurora, he adds, "After you."
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 11:34:49 GMT -8
When they are outside, she feels safe enough to ask him something. "Are you really okay? I hope you weren't just saying that, for either your brother's benefit or mine. I know that had to have scared you, but I couldn't help it then." She sighs and curls into him a little, unable to help herself and still a little frightened herself.
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 11:53:08 GMT -8
Lucian takes a couple breaths in silence as they walk, allowing her to take the lead on pace and direction. "I mean..." He shrugs. He doesn't want to sound rude. "I guess... I guess I'm as okay as anyone can be who just watched... that." He pauses, sighing before he adds, "And that just sounds mean. I'm sorry. I'm not really good at this."
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 12:08:12 GMT -8
"Most people aren't. Don't worry. I just wanted to know for sure." She suddenly giggles. "Gosh, I sounded like an idiot. 'Don't worry, my head is still screwed on?' You can laugh now. I am." She loops her arm though his as they walk along.
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 12:18:28 GMT -8
"It's just..." Lucian takes another breath to steady himself, especially now that they walk arm in arm. "I should be better at it. I mean... I've been around other people who've had them. They just... they kinda freak me out. And I know they shouldn't, but I just- I can't really help it."
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 12:25:51 GMT -8
"Lucian..." Aurora stops and turns to him. "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault that, for lack of better words, you're a kid and I'm, well, kind of not. Believe me, I wish it could be different. They freak me out, too," she admits softly. "I feel like I should know when one is going to happen, almost, but I had no warning today."
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 12:36:30 GMT -8
"No, but that's my point," he says, pulling his arm away from her. "I've heard Lawrie- people... talk about what it's like to have one and it just... It doesn't feel right that they should be as scary for me as it is for the person experiencing it."
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 13:12:34 GMT -8
"They're scary for a lot of people! That's why I've tried to never let it show!" Unexpected tears suddenly come to her eyes, but somehow Aurora finishes. "Today... that's why I'm just glad I was... safe. It feels good to be safe, even if someone doesn't always know what to do. It's more than enough. And a lot of that was thanks to you."
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 13:32:18 GMT -8
"Hey, hey, please don't cry again!" Lucian isn't sure he'd he able to handle more tears. Once was ordeal enough for him. "I- I can only promise more attempts. I just- I know I suck at being the emotional support so... I- I'd understand if- if you wanted to just... You know... Forget about tonight and anything I may have said..."
He knew the moment he blurted his confession of liking her it would fly in his face. And sure, he may be the one blowing things up now, but at least he has that level of control.
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 14:00:50 GMT -8
"No... I don't." she assures him. "But...what if we were to break up? Would we still be friends? Because I don't think I could stand to lose my only friend. That's my worst fear, to have no one, and until now, it's been basically true. I don't want to go back to that, you know?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 15:23:47 GMT -8
Her string of questions sends Lucian spiralling down his own trail of questions. "See? That's exactly what I mean. 'Cause, like, I'm new here and haven't exactly made any friends here yet. Other than you now. And what if something happened, like you suggested? It would be a bad idea. We should just- just forget it."
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 15:45:27 GMT -8
"Not forget. Just... go slowly? I can do that if you can," she says quietly.
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 16:07:09 GMT -8
"Slowly." Lucian takes another deep breath, his pacing now mathcing the word they both just uttered. "Yeah. I- slowly sounds more than okay to me."
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 16:28:06 GMT -8
She nods "Me too, although...it doesn't quite feel like we've just met, exactly, does it?" Aurora has to grin at that. "A crisis has an odd way of bonding people, even just a very small crisis like today." They walk a little further and she sighs, not really wanting to go home, but knowing she must.
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 16:35:51 GMT -8
Lucian chuckles sheepishly, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye as they walk. "Hopefully we don't do anything to screw that up," he comments, half under his breath and pointed more towards himself than her. He can't believe that things have progressed the way they have tonight. It feels almost like a dream. Maybe it is.
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 18:26:48 GMT -8
She laughs. "Hey. We won't. We both think each other is cute and we admitted it. That's a step, right?" She gives him a wink. "I just admitted to you and your brother things I don't tell anybody, ever. That's a step, too. It's gotta mean something, even if it just means I'm desperate for...I don't know what. Friendship? Love? Understanding? Surrogate siblings? Any of it? Or maybe I just didn't want to die alone, take your pick. But it's gotta mean something."
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 18:35:41 GMT -8
For just a moment, Lucian falls silent, trying to wrap his head around her words and his thoughts. "I hope it means something," he says after awhile. "I don't want everything we went through tonight, everything you went through before, to just be... meaningless."
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Post by Joelle on May 17, 2019 18:54:05 GMT -8
Aurora sighs. "Me neither. That would mean pretty much my entire life from six years old was meaningless. I think it would, anyway, and I don't want that. I can't stand it. The idea that I don't matter."
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 17, 2019 19:19:34 GMT -8
"Yeah... It's already easy enough to feel... I dunno, like... inconsequential, I guess... Don't need life to go proving what we already think," he mutters. He doesn't know about her, but the thought has definitely crossed his mind from time to time. When the triplets were born... When his mom passed... When Lawrie first came forward about things... Sure, none of these events were about him, but they made him feel like he had it... almost too easy. But maybe that's just the negativity taling.
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Post by Joelle on May 18, 2019 9:53:47 GMT -8
"Agreed. This is one of those times when being right doesn't make anything better!" She sighs. They're getting closer to her street now, though they still have a few minutes of walking to go. "If I could stop time right now, I would. Just to breathe, you know? Am I crazy?" She doesn't want the next few minutes to ever end, because the second she has to go in the house, her respite from her terribly lonely life will be over for now.
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 18, 2019 10:53:59 GMT -8
"Nope." Emphasizing the word, Lucian pops his P. He knows exactly how she's feeling. In the days and weeks immediately following his mother's passing, the days flew by, leaving him feeling like life was going too fast. "Definitely not crazy." He felt at that time that the world was spinning him round and round only to let him go teetering breathlessly into nothing. "I- I know exactly how you feel... I think."
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Post by Joelle on May 18, 2019 11:28:45 GMT -8
"Then maybe you can tell me how to get over it?" She asks hopefully. "I've been so strong for so long because so much of my life was just...stuff I had to do. It wasn't interesting, and as you can probably imagine. having to tell every new person in school about my mom gets weird. It's not fun, because if I allowed myself to have fun- to have a friend- I'd risk them feeling betrayed or hating me when an adult told them instead of me. But now I just want it to stop, and to reclaim my lost childhood. Oh God- I sound like Aunt Carmen, because she had leukemia as a little kid. But I could understand how that would make you feel very...adult. You too, I bet. Losing your parents at such a young age sucks. So how do we do it? How do we just breathe when the world won't let us off the roller coaster?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on May 18, 2019 11:36:24 GMT -8
"I-" Lucian cuts himself off, realizing he has no answer. There are still days he comes home from school or practice and wishes he could talk to his mom. She always knew exactly what to say. And then it hits him all over again that she's gone. And she's never coming back. "I wish I knew. I really do. Some days I think I'm fine. That maybe life can be normal. And then it just hits me all over again that things are different and never going back to the way they were before."
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Post by Joelle on Jun 10, 2019 8:43:56 GMT -8
"Then I guess we have to find our own...breathing space, don't we? Some kind of a safe haven."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Jun 10, 2019 11:15:11 GMT -8
"Yeah..." Lucian takes a few steps in silence. "Though that's a lot harder than I wish it were. I wish it were easy. I wish it came naturally. But it doesn't. And I don't think it'll ever be easy."
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Post by Joelle on Jun 10, 2019 11:58:34 GMT -8
"Me either. And I can tell you from my experience that it's a lot harder when you have to live with people you may not necessarily trust. The mental safety thing I said earlier. It's not always easy to find that either."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Jun 10, 2019 12:20:51 GMT -8
"Why are you stuck living there? Can't people see that it's not doing you any good? Is it super well hidden? Or are people just blind to that?"
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Post by Joelle on Jun 10, 2019 16:06:01 GMT -8
"It's hidden enough. They take me to a psychologist and assume I'm okay, you know?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Jun 10, 2019 20:35:58 GMT -8
"That's... not how any of that works." Lucian sighs and shakes his head. He's watched Laurie go through it. He's watched a cousin go through it. "It takes time and work and patience and support."
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Post by Joelle on Jun 11, 2019 6:50:49 GMT -8
(OOC: I went through the people not understanding medical science/psychology thing with my parents from age 7 onward because I knew instinctively that I wasn't like most other kids I knew, mentally (childhood depression exists, but info about it is still rare enough), but they thought depression happened only to adults. Then my mom began studying to be a teacher and kind of got it. Things aren't perfect, but they're better by far.)
"I know that. And I've tried to explain. It just...hasn't helped. Some people don't understand...science, I guess. Psychology or otherwise."
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