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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 14, 2019 15:37:15 GMT -8
November 15, 2019
Standing outside the building, Austen adjusts her coat as she takes a deep breath to regulate her nerves. She's only dropped by the church a few times, once after the first miscarriage, and a couple of times after the second. Raised Christian, she'd stopped going when she went to college, a pretty common occurrence from what she's heard, but going back has brought her an odd sense of peace again. After receiving the results of testing to see what could be causing the miscarriages, she needs that now more than ever.
Slowly, she opens the door and enters, taking a seat by herself in the corner. She wraps her arms around her stomach in an attempt to keep herself from crying. Unsurprisingly, she starts to cry anyway.
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Post by Joelle on Nov 14, 2019 16:08:56 GMT -8
Celine has noticed the girl in the corner before, though she doesn't seem to have come for the Bible study Celine leads on Fridays, which just ended. The majority of everyone has left, and the church is pretty quiet. Baby Bryony is asleep in the carrier on the floor, for now. Celine puts away her psychology book, taking Bryony into her arms, not wanting to leave her alone. As she re-situates the baby in her sling, Celine's heart aches listening to the sound of the girl's tears.
She knows those tears. She's had them herself, many times before.
Tears of loss.
Raised Greek Orthodox, there are few things that don't bring her painful memories since her bio parents gave her up. But the Orthodox chant she's whisper-singing now is one of her favorites, and despite it being used for Easter and being especially for that holiday, it's the one that has comforted her since her accident and sustained her when she found out her adoptive parents were atheists.
She sings softly in English, then in Greek,
"Come receive the light From the Light that is never overtaken by night And glorify Christ Who is risen from the dead."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 14, 2019 16:26:28 GMT -8
Hearing the soft music, Austen wipes her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm not bothering you, am I?" she sniffles, preparing to grab her bag and leave if the woman responds in the affirmative. "I can go. I was just- I felt the need to come..."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 14, 2019 16:44:14 GMT -8
"I knew that... somehow. That song was for you," Celine says before singing it again in English.She lets the words wash over them both, but afterward remains silent, not sure if the girl will want to talk and not wanting to pry, but sitting with her.
Abiding.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 14, 2019 17:09:45 GMT -8
"I'm sorry," Austen repeats as she starts to cry again. "I don't even- I don't really know why I'm crying. I don't really go here, per se." She sniffles, wiping her eyes. "It's- it's been awhile since I really... believed, you know? But since..."
She pauses to assess. Does she really want to tell this complete stranger about the miscarriages? Other than herself and Kit, only her sisters know. And she hasn't told her sisters about the testing. Or the results.
She clears her throat. "I, umm... I- I don't want to be a bother."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 14, 2019 18:14:50 GMT -8
"That's what pastors and their wives are here for," Celine says, chuckling ironically. If they didn't know, she is aware that some people might not guess she is the pastor's wife. "And boy, do I ever know what you mean about not having believed for awhile. I...have a long life story. But, well, there's time for that. This is about you...if you'd like to talk. I'm Celine Noble. My husband Theo is the pastor here. And this little love is Bryony."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 14, 2019 18:21:40 GMT -8
Austen gulps when she notices the baby, beginning to tear up again. "I'm sorry. I usually love babies. But I-- something happened recently and I just... it's just hard for me to think about..."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 14, 2019 18:38:45 GMT -8
Celine nods. "I can guess, I think. I had two before her. And she's only two months old. The last one, especially, took me until I was in labor to get over. I don't tell many people...most know, actually. It was very...public." Even remembering, her body blushes against her will. "July 2013. Here."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 14, 2019 18:45:43 GMT -8
"I had two almost back to back," Austen sniffs. "And we did all the testing but nothing came back with an answer. Kit insists that it's because I'm too stressed. But of course I'm stressed. I want a baby and a family more than anything."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 14, 2019 19:04:34 GMT -8
Celine nods again. "Been there. Mine were October 2012 and July 2013. And my husband is one of eighteen, and loves children himself. Talk about pressure! Though not from him in the end. From myself. In my case, I had a spinal injury at age 12, and I blamed that. And myself. In some ways, I think it would have been easier to blame God- God can forgive you for that, but blaming yourself- you're stuck with yourself." She smiles sympathetically.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 14, 2019 20:02:27 GMT -8
"Did you ever figure out what it was?" Austen asks with a sniffle. "Was it because of the spinal injury?"
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Post by Joelle on Nov 14, 2019 20:24:51 GMT -8
"I suspect at least the first may have been- it was the first time I had been pregnant, so there's always that possibility. The second... she... was probably sick. She was 22 weeks, and you have to have a funeral if it's lost at 20 weeks or over." She sighs. "That was really hard- especially since the miscarriage occurred right here, in this very bathroom- but I don't mean to scare you. We named her Anastasia."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 14, 2019 20:28:16 GMT -8
"We'd barely found out we were expecting when we lost both of ours," Austen says softly. "We hadn't even told anybody we were expecting. We wanted to wait until we were further along. For this very reason."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 8:54:46 GMT -8
"We had pictures. 16 weeks a boy- Adrian- and 22 weeks Anastasia. I had to hide them away. Adrian was named for our adopted son's bio father, and Anastasia after my husband's aunt." She sighs. "There's one more thing I feel I need to tell you. After Adrian was hard. But after Anastasia- everybody knowing, and people saying stupid stuff that doesn't help or ignoring us altogether- I just... snapped. Completely. The only people who didn't say something well-meant but stupid were my husband and my in-laws- and my in-laws were in Nairobi doing missionary work. The cell service is spotty there. That was...there are no words, really. And finally, I just couldn't find a way through the pain anymore. I even begged Theo to have us move into another house. We had eight bedrooms! Well, seven if you count that one is used for my medical equipment, but still."
She takes a breath. "My point is this. Do whatever you feel you have to do to get through the pain, and then...take care of yourself, even if it's just to make sure you eat and drink every day."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 15, 2019 9:11:43 GMT -8
"I'm trying," Austen whispers. "It's so hard though. They were so close together. We weren't even far enough along to know if they were a boy or a girl. Did knowing that help?"
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 9:25:16 GMT -8
"Eventually." Celine smiles sympathetically. "In some ways, I knew how to mourn better- mourn the baby for itself, not just the fact that they were my child. The empty bedrooms were the hardest. Finn was kind of a surprise. We were married in February 2011, and he was born that July. At the time, the idea of being pregnant in a wheelchair scared me silly, but I still wanted children- that's not the type of thing that changes despite a disability...if you want them, you just do. So we adopted. And with everything that happened after, in some way, he kept me...myself. But I'm rambling. In your case, adoption may or may not help- I don't know."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 15, 2019 9:39:35 GMT -8
"Kit's brought that up as a possibility tio," Austen sighs. "I guess in the end, if nothing works and adoption is the only choice, we'll go that route but... I dunno. Is it silly to want to do it naturally more?"
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 9:45:08 GMT -8
"No. Though, the thing for me with adoption is that I never want my children to think they are afterthoughts. It's just carrying a child in your heart, not your tummy. But I understand what you mean. When you love someone so much, it's only natural to want children with them, too."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 15, 2019 9:49:12 GMT -8
"I hate the thought that it could be something I'm doing that's causing it, you know?" Austen adds. "We're clearly able to conceive; it happened pretty quickly after the first time for us. What if it's me? What if I'm doing something wrong that's making this happen?"
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 10:17:18 GMT -8
"Sweetie...as long as you're taking care of yourself, that's not possible. Did you know about 16 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage- regardless? I learned that from my mother-in-law, and wasn't aware of it until months ago." She smiles a little. "On a slightly different but related note, how long have you been together with Kit?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 15, 2019 11:42:47 GMT -8
"Not very long at all," Austen laughs with a sniffle. "We, umm, we've had a pretty... fast paced relationship, but he's a great guy. He's taken such good care of me through both losses. His first instinct when we got the test results was to distract me because he knows I'd fixate on it otherwise."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 16:08:29 GMT -8
"Sometimes..." Celine says carefully, "It's not the woman who's the problem. I hope both of you have been tested- just to make sure. But regardless, it's wonderful in a good relationship, and I hope no matter what happens, that you consider that first. Everything else will work itself out as God plans."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 15, 2019 16:16:33 GMT -8
"I didn't even think about that," Austen says softly. "That it could be something related to him. I wonder what Kit would say if I suggested that."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 16:25:53 GMT -8
"If he really does want children, he will probably at least consider the possibility." Celine chuckles despite herself. "Everybody seems to think it's us ladies. I don't know why. Just because Rachel, Sarah the Matriarch, and Elizabeth were barren doesn't mean it happens to every woman."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 15, 2019 16:38:59 GMT -8
"I'll run by him the idea of getting him tested too. I'm sure he'll agree. I know he loves me and he wants kids just as badly as I do."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 16:52:06 GMT -8
She smiles. "Just remember, no matter what happens, your relationship comes first, Austen. Miscarriage- or not getting pregnant at all- can be hard on a family, but it's no reason to throw away something wonderful on either of your parts. You and I have been blessed with wonderful men, but not everyone has that. Or one or the other gets angry and leaves in frustration." She pauses as the baby stirs. "Shh, koukla mou. (my doll) she whispers in Greek. "This one...wasn't easy to get here. And they are not ours- only on loan. We can't control our own lives- something I've learned over and over and over again. Our responsibility is to trust- that is all."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 15, 2019 17:20:56 GMT -8
"Trusting has never come easy for me," Austen sighs. "I may have just missed my window. I'm in my thirties after all."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 17:42:25 GMT -8
"Me too! Thirty two, as of the twenty-second of August. My window may go into my fifties, really, if I'm anything like my bio mother- but regardless, it's not easy. I think that both my husband and I thought our family would be much bigger by now, but both of our oldest two are adopted. Nine and five."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Nov 15, 2019 17:47:55 GMT -8
"My family has been a little less... fertile than yours apparently," Austen laughs. "I think the oldest anyone in my family has been when they had a baby was... maybe forty-one? And she had a lot of complications. It scares me to think that that could be me, you know? Though I guess it already kind of is me."
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Post by Joelle on Nov 15, 2019 18:04:17 GMT -8
"I had four siblings biologically. The youngest two were nine and six when... when I left." Celine would explain more, but she doesn't want this conversation to be about her. "And I was scared, too. Being pregnant in a wheelchair comes with its own challenges. Pair that with suspecting my first miscarriage was caused by something to do with my accident in the first place- though I never could even guess what- and I was a basket case...before and after!" She sighs. "Losing- or not having- a baby is hard, no matter the reasons for it. And just because some people like me are religious doesn't make that easier. Life still hurts, and it can feel like you're expected to always be joyful. But that's not...that's not...human, you know? And regardless of our belief in God- or not- we're still human. Admitting stuff hurts and sucks is allowed."
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