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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 21, 2019 6:40:15 GMT -8
September 7, 2019
After finally divulging the biggest secret of her life to the only man she's ever loved, Anastasia has spent the last two weeks setting up doctors appointments to get the ball rolling on the transition. Last night, she and Nathanael discussed that today they would have The Discussion with the kids. "I feel like once we tell them, I can start doing things that'll feel more like the real me. Start going by my new name. Start wearing what feels right. Finally start using the 'he/him' pronouns."
And as much as she wants to get this conversation out of the way so she can start doing those things, when the time comes, she finds herself feeling sick to her stomach as the what ifs start to pour in. What if the kids don't get it? What if they refuse to start calling her daddy too? What if they think it's just a game? Glad to have these thoughts come up while she's in the bathroom, she runs to the toilet just in time to throw up.
When she finishes, she wipes her mouth on her sleeve and flushes the refuse. For a moment, she sits on the bathroom floor, on the verge of tears, thinking about how much it could hurt to break this news to the kids. She takes a deep, shaky breath, swallowing her tears, as she pushes herself off the floor. At the sink, she gurgles some mouthwash to rid herself of the nastiness of aftertaste. Staring at herself in the mirror, she takes another deep breath. "You've got this," she whispers. "Your kids are still going to love you. It'll be okay."
And with that, she vacates the bathroom and heads downstairs to the living room.
Finding all four kids there, she scoops up James as she says, "Hey, kiddies, mommy and daddy need to talk to you for a sec. Can you pause your movie for a couple minutes?"
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Post by Joelle on Sept 21, 2019 9:23:02 GMT -8
"Okay." Therese pauses the movie, but sometimes this happens when they're being scolded for something they've done while she wasn't looking. What could the kids have done this time? Okay, a lot, speaking for herself. "I know I used Thaddeus' toothbrush yesterday. but it was...I didn't mean to!"
Nathanael laughs. Hard. He can't help it. "No. It's not about that. Although..." He gets out his cellphone and updates the shopping list to include new toothbrushes for everyone. When he can finally stop laughing, he rubs Anastasia's back. He can see she probably isn't feeling well.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 21, 2019 9:43:36 GMT -8
Hugging James tightly, Anastasia tries to smile at Nathanael as reassuringly as she can muster. She must admit that Therese's assumption was pretty funny, but she isn't in the right mood to laugh at it quite like Nathanael is. "We have something big to tell you," she says. The last time she said those words, they told Lucy, Therese, and Thaddeus that she was expecting James. Seeing the look Lucy gives her twin, Anastasia hastens to add, "But not that kind of announcement."
She watches as the kids' expressions change already. Oh no. She feels her heart leap into her throat as another wave of nervous nausea hits. Swallowing hard, she wills it to go away as she says, "You know... Why dont you kiddies come sit with me and daddy and Jamesy?" she suggests. It'll act as double protection. Their presence has always been a vomfort to Anastasia, but having them right beside her will also protect her from the necessity of staring in their little faces as they process what she's about ti tell them.
Lucy hops up first, squeezing herself between her parents. Thaddeus pulls himself to his feet and sits beside his dad, leaving his mom's other side for Therese.
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Post by Joelle on Sept 21, 2019 10:11:34 GMT -8
As Therese comes to sit, the silence begins to scare her. "Um...who died?" She mentally goes through her very long list of family members. She hopes it isn't Auntie Therese or Auntie Salome. Or Uncle Raphael, even when he pranks them. Or Claudia either, who seems to understand Therese's creative side best. Or even Fatima, though she's very quiet and doesn't like to talk about herself. Daddy seems to think it started when she and Claudia lost their mommy in the same accident that killed his parents. She shivers, and looks nervously at her mommy and then at Lucy.
James seems to be happy for now, as long as Anastasia is snuggling him, but even he notices it's way too quiet. He thinks he might like to get a train or another loud toy to break the silence. He seems to sense that Therese is scared.
"Don't worry, no one died," Nathanael says. Although...he supposes it is a death, in a way. It will definitely be a loss of the kind of relationship they had with Anastasia before...as a mother. "But this is...something that your mom has been thinking about for awhile."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 21, 2019 10:27:16 GMT -8
Anastasia takes a couple deep breaths, by now feeling the stares of at least two of her children as Thaddeus and Lucy look on in confusion. "Therese, you know how you and Lucy are different than Thaddeus and James?"
Lucy speaks up, answering for her sister, "Yeah, they're boys." She screws up her nose in disgust. "Which means they've got different body parts than we do."
Anastasia nods. "Exactly." She swallows, trying to buy herself some time. "Now I have a question for all of you kids. Do you girls like being girls? And do you boys like being boys?"
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Post by Joelle on Sept 21, 2019 11:32:21 GMT -8
"I like being a boy!" says James, speaking for the first time. "I like cars and trains."
"Hey! Girls have to learn to drive, too!" says Therese. "But I like being a girl. Especially the clothes."
Nathanael chuckles. "You're both right. Some things are for both boys and girls, like cars. And boys and girls usually wear different kinds of clothes." Usually being the operative word there.
"What would you do if you didn't like being a girl or a boy?" Nathanael asks.
"Ask God to change it?" says Therese, feeling timid. She hopes she is on the right track.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 21, 2019 11:50:54 GMT -8
Lucy furrows her brow, deep in thought about her dad's question. "I dunno. Maybe, like, do that thing that girls do in stories where they pretend to be a boy." She giggles. "That would actually be kind fun!"
Hearing her daughter's laughter relieves a little of the pressure for Anastasia. Lucy's response is vastly different from Therese's and Anastasia likes how that shows the two girls' vastly different personalities.
Thaddeus speaks up for the first time. "Why would someone not be comfortable being a boy or a girl if that's the way they're made?" he asks, frankly.
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Post by Joelle on Sept 21, 2019 17:18:02 GMT -8
"I don't know," Therese admits.
James has another idea. "Because you wanna be Superman?" he asks his mom.
"Like next month for Halloween?" asks Therese, catching on. "Or...no. Because he can fly!"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 21, 2019 19:49:58 GMT -8
"Well, it's a little different than that," Anastasia replies, loosening up enough to add s chuckle. Her kids' antics definitely make this a lot easier. "Imagine waking up every morning and hating that you were born a boy or a girl."
"That would suck!" Lucy exclaims, immediately shushed by her older brother. "I like being a girl."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 21, 2019 21:22:50 GMT -8
"It would be awful!" Therese agrees. "Like you were...not...you." She doesn't know any other way to say it, but Nathanael thinks it's eloquent enough.
"Out of the mouths of babes..." he agrees.
"Is it like that, Mommy?" asks James. He would feel funny if he felt like he were really somebody else, too.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 21, 2019 22:11:09 GMT -8
Hearing James ask the question so point blank before she's even mentioned her personal connection to the question, Anastasia's breath catches in her throat. "Yeah," she replies before clearing her throat. "That's exactly how it feels."
Thaddeus frowns, brow furrowed. "How would you know, mom?"
And there's the other side of the coin. Anastasia's heart seems to skip a beat as the shock of her son's question hits. "Because--" She clears her throat again. "Because I feel that way."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 23, 2019 17:22:13 GMT -8
James stares open-mouthed, while Therese looks uncomfortable, but probably not for the reason Anastasia might be thinking. "I'm sorry, Mommy. What are you gonna do about it?" she asks, coming around to give Anastasia a hug. "Sometimes it's fun to pretend to be someone else, but feeling like you need to pretend every day would be... weird." By 'weird', Therese probably would say awkward if she knew that word instead.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 23, 2019 18:01:28 GMT -8
Hugging her daughter back, Anastasia kisses Therese on the head. "Thank You, baby girl," she whispers. "It's definitely not fun. It's very, very hard, especially when people don't know that's how you feel. It feels like you need to hide it."
"Why do you gotta hide it, mommy?" Lucy asks, trying to form actual thoughts on the matter.
Anastasia chuckles, a more sheepish sound than she would have preferred. "Well, sweetie, most people look at me amd say, 'Oh, look at her and her perfect life with her four perfect kiddos and a wonderful husband. How could she ever feel out of place there?'"
"And how could you, mom?" Thaddeus demands. He doesn't understand. "You and dad have always told us that God makes us as we are, boy or girl. If you're saying you think you're actually a boy, doesn't that mean what you said was wrong?"
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Post by Joelle on Sept 23, 2019 18:46:44 GMT -8
Nathanael has no idea how to answer that question. He knows lots of people who are happy as they are. But maybe Anastasia has a thought. If he begins, she may figure out where he is going.
"That's still true. God did make us as we are. But it's not the whole story."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 23, 2019 18:51:29 GMT -8
Anastasia didn't see this one coming. Of all the questions she expected, she somehow missed this very important one. She takes a slow breath, hoping Thaddeus doesn't run with her silence as a response in itself. "Well..." she begins slowly, her interior monologue not nearly as pristine, "there are still no mistakes." God, if you're out there, she thinks, please give me the right words. "Some of us are just different. I'm still me. I always will be. But for some reason, my outside doesn't match my inside. And that's okay. There's ways to fix that."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 23, 2019 18:58:58 GMT -8
"Right. It's not true for everyone, but because we live in a world that is broken, some people's outside doesn't match their inside. Sometimes girls can think about things the way a boy would, or a boy can think about things the way a girl would." He read that somewhere in a science textbook- that what are called female brains can be in male bodies and what are called male brains can be in female bodies. He's not sure he understands it exactly, but if it's scientifically proven, does it have to be understood in order to be true?
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 23, 2019 21:07:54 GMT -8
"It doesn't even make sense though!" Thaddeus complains.
Anastasia sighs. She should have known at least one of the kids would give her trouble. She'd have thought one of the girls, but Thaddeus... His responses are a little unexpected. "I know it's hard to understand, honey," she says softly. "I don't expect any of you to really get it right off the bat. It took me awhile to understand it too and I'm the one experiencing it."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 24, 2019 8:45:35 GMT -8
"I do have a question," Therese admits. "About the voice lessons. Um...guys don't sing soprano. And if they do they sound really funny." She giggles.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 24, 2019 9:06:38 GMT -8
That loosens Anastasia up about. "Well, there are obviously some things that are going to need attention," she laughs. "Daddy's helped me find a good doctor in the area who will be able to help me with some of those things."
"When's that gonna happen?" Lucy asks.
Anastasia turns to her other daughter. Lucy has always been the more frank and to-the-point of the two. "Well, Lulu, it's going to take a little bit. It won't be immediate. The doctor has to give me a check up to make sure that I really do feel like a boy in a girl's body. And once he gives me the go ahead, we can start making some progress. But like a lot of things with medicine and doctors, it might take me awhile. It won't happen right away."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 25, 2019 8:38:33 GMT -8
"Good. I'd miss you if it happened right away." Therese actually thinks she'll miss having a mommy period and is still confused, but it's as honest as she knows how to be. "Going to the doctor can be scary."
James is more convinced than ever that his mom wants to be Superman. "Are they gonna give you big muscles, too?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 25, 2019 11:33:26 GMT -8
"Baby, it doesn't work like that," Anastasia laughs. "The only way I am ever ever going to have big muscles is if I work really hard for them. Doctors can't just give those to me."
And then she turns to Therese, running a gentle hand through the girl's hair. "You know I'm still going to be me, sweetie, right?" she asks softly. "I'll still be the person who's raised you and loved you all your life."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 25, 2019 16:24:33 GMT -8
"I thought I did. But it'll be different because...a boy isn't a mommy. Right?" Now she's really confused as to how this will go. How will she get close female role models, then? "Lucy and I still like being girls, so who's gonna help us be girls now?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 25, 2019 17:57:46 GMT -8
Anastasia hates seeing the look in her daughter's eyes: confusion, hurt, longing. She plants a kiss on the girl's temple. "Well, sweetie," she says softly, "You have lots of aunties who love you. And I'll still have had experience being a girl, so I can still help you with a lot. The fact that I've been a girl on the outside for my whole life means that I know what it's like. I know that's probably confusing, so don't try too hard to figure out what it means right now. You've got lots of time, baby girl."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 26, 2019 7:16:14 GMT -8
It is confusing- on that her mom is right- so Therese just sighs, "Okay. I love you. Always." She buries her face in her mom's shirt, trembling, but unable to actually cry.
Seeing Therese's reaction, Nathanael shares a look with Anastasia over their daughter's head. Maybe the divorce will be more than they can handle knowing about right now. Heck, if he hates it, how much more will the kids?
"I still think you'll be a cool guy," James says, clearly not getting why his sister seems to think there's a problem.
Nathanael counts his blessings that James is too young to realize that in some ways it is a loss. He thinks of himself in high school learning that his parents had died.
He shrugs. At least it's easy for one kid- so far.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 26, 2019 15:50:14 GMT -8
Anastasia hugs Therese tightly, herself trying not to cry. She can already feel the slight shift in her relationship with the girl. "Thanks, baby," she whispers to James. His innocent reply, though far from healing the rifts already forming between her and her older kids, eases some of the ache. "Anybody else have any questions?"
Lucy pipes up, "Are you gonna start stealing even more of daddy's clothes?"
Anastasia glances to her husband, wondering if he caught that. She didn't know the kids were paying close enough attention to know she occasionally borrowed some of Nathanael's things. She doesn't know if Nathanael himself notices when she does.
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Post by Joelle on Sept 26, 2019 16:46:05 GMT -8
"So that's where, like, half my shirts went." Nathanael shakes his head. He did notice, he just didn't know why. Not until recently.
"Um...I guess so. You can borrow as many as you want. But maybe we should have a sort of schedule. I have to have some things to wear to work." He says with a grin.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 26, 2019 20:06:13 GMT -8
"Or she could give 'em all back and we could go shopping!" Lucy exclaims, clapping her hands. "That way she's got stuff all her own!"
Anastasia can't help but laugh. "Lucy makes a good point," she giggles. "I can't go on stealing your stuff forever."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 27, 2019 17:45:45 GMT -8
Hearing the word "shopping" perks Therese up a bit. If there's one thing she likes besides voice lessons, it's clothes. "You'll look like the guys in... what was that magazine some of the aunties talk about, but for guys? GQ!
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 27, 2019 18:48:06 GMT -8
"Would you girls want to go shopping with me for boy clothes?" Anastasia laughs. "It's not going to be quite like the shopping trips we normally take."
"Please please please pretty pretty please?" Lucy begs. "I think it'll be fun! And we getta help dress mommy the way she likes!"
Anastasia glances at Nathanael. "That's another thing we need to talk about, baby girl," she says softly.
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Post by Joelle on Sept 27, 2019 21:12:24 GMT -8
Therese could probably have guessed what would come next. "That means Mommy will really...that we have two daddies. I think."
"Cool!" says James.
Nathanael isn't so sure the rest of the kids will think it's "cool", but he nods. He's still getting used to the idea himself, though. so maybe that's the first step in helping them.
"I didn't understand why myself. But I'm going to try. Do you guys think you can?"
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2 new BG babies! (for real)
