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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 3, 2019 17:53:06 GMT -8
"Oh, babe, I've always loved you," Anastasia says softly, gently taking his hand under the covers. "That has never been a question for me. But, yes, it has been a little odd sleeping in the same bed, knowing that there was this little secret I was harboring that you didn't have any clue about. It made me feel a bit like a fraud, you know? Like I was lying to you about something so fundamental to who I am. And that thought haunted me. I didn't want to lie to you, but... I didn't feel like I had much of a choice. I guess I figured, when we decided to move here, that it would be a good chance for me to start anew on that front too."
She pauses. "I... even scoped out some options in the event of a divorce," she reluctantly admits. "I have a couple places that I just need to call back up and see if they're available and then just sign the paperwork and I'll be good to go. There's plenty of space for the kids. I've been saving up a little since I decided to tell you, because I didn't know how you'd react."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 4, 2019 7:41:53 GMT -8
He sighs. "I'm surprised you thought I would be so..." He shakes his head; he can't find a word. He rubs her hand with his thumb. "We've already agreed that neither of us want a divorce- not really. Though it would be kind of cool to have two marriage certificates knowing that they both belong to us." He is still unsure how to phrase what he tried to say before, but he finally has an idea. "You know I've always been different than my family. Salome- the other one hurt in the accident- has, too. It was more like- especially after the accident- we felt we had to stay religious in order to have a community and people who were willing to care for us despite our injuries. Truthfully, I've questioned a lot ever since. Why God would allow us to be injured is a big one. The only thing I've never questioned is my relationship with you- wherever it went. Maybe- just maybe- I finally have my answer. Maybe, since my injuries aren't what they call complete, it was exactly so I realized I didn't have to fit in. Being in the chair on some days and others not means I'm never totally in one category. So does it matter whether I...feel that I know myself right now or not?" He reaches over with his other hand to stroke her cheek. "I'm glad you made plans...but hopefully, it won't be long until we're back together. How long does this...process...actually take? The transition thing."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 4, 2019 12:49:25 GMT -8
"It depends on a lot of things," Anastasia replies, recalling her many hours of research on this very subject. "It takes time to find the proper doctors and psychiatrists who'll be willing to diagnose the gender dysphoria and prescribe the hormone therapy. And a lot of people don't even do the full gender reassignment surgery. It's so expensive. It turns a lot of people off." Even herself, if she must admit that. "But I've heard the hormone therapy can sometimes be effective enough to relieve a lot of the mental anguish."
She sighs, pausing as she goes over the lists she's made in her head. "I've already started some of that research too. I've found doctors and psychiatrists in the area who've successfully helped others through this. Some of them are a bit of a trek, but I'd rather have someone who's practiced in this but is situated further away than someone who isn't but works next door, you know? So I guess the next step is making the calls. Seeing who has openings. And just go from there."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 4, 2019 13:24:45 GMT -8
"Oh so it's not something you just...bam, have surgery, and then you're done." he says. "It's not gonna be easy- for either of us. You have to relive all your horrible experiences and uncomfortable feelings in order to be diagnosed, and meanwhile I wait...knowing that this will change our relationship, but not knowing how, just doing the only thing- the divorce- because...it seems like the only thing we can do at this point. Speaking of, what reason are we going to give. We can figure that out in the morning, but it's definitely not lack of love and affection."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 4, 2019 14:09:56 GMT -8
"We could say it's a matter of disagreeing about continuing our family. We say you want more, but I don't," Anastasia replies with a shrug. "Which for obvious reasons is at least in part true. If we're gonna have more kids, it's definitely not going to be the natural way. Three births was hard enough for me. I mean... Hell... Thaddeus was rough, but having Lucy and Therese so soon after him?"
She shudders, though she feels bad about it. These are her children! But, she gently reminds herself, it isn't the children that were difficult for her. It was giving birth and what that did to her already confused psyche. "There's a reason I insisted we wait longer for James. And as much as I love James, and I really really do, his birth was probably the hardest for me. Because at that point, I'd already started coming to this realization, you know?"
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Post by Joelle on Sept 4, 2019 17:20:05 GMT -8
"Now it makes sense," he teases gently. "Didn't you tell me James was Tracey's middle name?" He has to smile at that. "Seriously, though, everything you said makes sense. It didn't at the time, but now it does. I mean...I just figured you were tired from having three so close together, which makes sense too, but you probably let me think that." He thinks for a minute. "How soon do you think we can meet with them? I mean, they're probably some of your closest friends, and the least thing we can do is explain. Especially in light of the plan we came up with. Is it just me or is the only thing that doesn't make sense right now...me?" He asks. "I mean, I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but at least if I look back, about you, there were clues, even though I didn't see them."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 4, 2019 17:27:50 GMT -8
"Nate, you've got to stop being so hard on yourself. You weren't exactly looking for clues about whether your wife was feeling uncomfortable as a woman. What man looks for that?" Anastasia laughs, a sympathetic response. "You had no idea, babe. I wasn't exactly the most upfront about this with you. I wasn't ready. Don't go carrying that weight around.
"As for Brennan and Tracey..." A perfect time to switch the topic of conversation. "I know they're planning to move out here too. I think Bren said they're move date is in a few weeks. Maybe we can offer to help them move in and get settled."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 4, 2019 18:43:40 GMT -8
Nathanael grins a little at that. "You're right. And as for the rest...I don't care how it's gonna make me look, even though the hard part is coming."
He sighs. "Speaking of that, let's not do anything legally until they move here. I feel like...you know, someone should know first. For both our sakes."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 4, 2019 21:24:00 GMT -8
"Someone should know what? That we've talked? That we've come to an agreement? I mean... Brennan knows that I was planning to talk to you. You shouldn't be surprised when I tell you that he encouraged me to talk to you about this as soon as I could. It was his idea that I bring it up so soon after the move. New place. Fresh start. The like. You know?"
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Post by Joelle on Sept 5, 2019 7:10:02 GMT -8
"I guess that wasn't my whole reason. I'm going to need physical help, you know that. And someone should know that, too. But also...I don't know...that the divorce isn't permanent. That I'm only doing it so...I can marry the person you will be, too. That neither of us really want to. That sort of thing."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 5, 2019 7:28:34 GMT -8
"And you want to tell my friends about this? You really want to be that vulnerable with a couple of guys you don't personally know that well?" Anastasia takes in his face for a moment before continuing. "They won't judge. I can assure you that. Honestly, I think this whole thing, your response, is going to endear you to them. I think it'll be good for both you and them. And you'll make a quick friend that way."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 5, 2019 9:51:40 GMT -8
"Heck, I just found out I'm willing to be bi to stay with my spouse. Me, the good little altar boy. This is a new realization. I am vulnerable. What's a little more? If anyone can help me through any of this, I'd think it would for sure be them. Of course, not everyone handles someone being that real with them immediately too well. But it sounds like you think they wouldn't mind." He smiles a little as another thought occurs to him. "You're the only one I'd do this for. So I don't even know that it has a name like gay or bi or trans...you know what I mean. But you're the only one. There's never been anyone else. Just because I now identify as whatever this is does not mean I'm going to just randomly...you know?"
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 5, 2019 10:45:56 GMT -8
"I'm not expecting you to change anything, Nate," Anastasia says softly, though she can't hold back the smile. "This has turned out to be by far the best case scenario. I didn't even think of this as an option for best case scenario. The fact that you're willing to stay with me even through all of this... Let's just say crap, for lack of a better word to describe this situation. If you don't think I will be forever grateful and love you even longer... you, my dear, are sorely mistaken."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 6, 2019 9:13:07 GMT -8
He smiles too, even though he knows the hard part is still in the future. "I love you so much. No matter what. Now let's go to sleep, huh?" He kisses her cheek. "Let's maybe call them tomorrow and ask when their moving date is."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 6, 2019 12:34:54 GMT -8
Anastasia gives his hand a little squeeze, stifling a yawn. "Yeah... And then we can discuss a few more of the details about this whole thing too. If you're up for it. I know it's a lot to take in and process." It took her longer than she wished. She can only imagine how processing it will go for someone on the outside of this.
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Post by Joelle on Sept 6, 2019 12:45:10 GMT -8
"It is," he agrees. "But I'll make it. I have to make it if I'm going to stay with you- whether we're technically divorced or not. This is...everything is...my head is spinning, but I know this is the right move, regardless of what people we know think about it."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 6, 2019 12:56:38 GMT -8
"Thank you," she whispers. "For being so cool-headed about this and being so open to the obvious changes that are gonna come and being so- so honest about how it's making you feel. It's making this so much easier on me, because I don't have to wonder what's going through your head."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 6, 2019 14:08:58 GMT -8
"Thank you for telling me. We were friends way before we were dating or married. I'd have thought we were pretty sure of what's going through each other's heads." He chuckles.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 6, 2019 14:52:15 GMT -8
"Normally, I'd agree," Anastasia replies with a chuckle, "but this isn't the kind of thing you just... drop on somebody every day. This is the kind of life-changing revelation that breaks families apart and sends thoughts spinning out of bounds. And it's not like we ever really talked much about this. It was always so far from the topic of conversation. If we'd talked about it before, I'd probably have a much better idea of how you'd be feeling and thinking about this."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 6, 2019 15:43:16 GMT -8
"I don't know how other people stand it," he admits. "This is painful for me, but it's probably even worse when you, um, know that you're not LGBTQ+ but the other person is. Me...well, I'm trying. But like I said, you're the only one I'd do it for. The religious side of it is gonna be hard enough to deal with. But I'd be so lost without you, I don't care."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 6, 2019 16:18:53 GMT -8
"Yeah... The religious side..." Anastasua muses. It was the reason she took so long to accept it. The reason she took so long to tell Nathanael. The reason she nearly said nothing tonight. "I know that part's been scaring me to hell and back." She tries to pass it off with a laugh, sounding more nervous than jovial. "But I know how much the church means to you, so it's got to be exponentially harder for you."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 6, 2019 19:19:47 GMT -8
"It probably will be. I'm not going to sugarcoat that. Like I said, after the accident, they were my community. But...I don't know. The people we know, the ones who accept us...those will be our new community. I do know that I love you too much to let you have to suffer a community where you'd be excluded. It'll be painful and probably lonely, but I'll adjust. As hard as it will be, I'm choosing this."
He pauses. "But you didn't choose your loneliness. That sucks."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 7, 2019 6:16:24 GMT -8
"I did, though," Anastasia says softly. "I could've spoken up sooner. I could've let you in on how much I was struggling with this. But I didn't. I chose to keep that in. I chose to stay silent. I could've shared this with you a lot sooner, Nate. And I dunno... Maybe I should have. But maybe I wouldn't have gotten quite the same reaction as I did."
She sighs, blowing the air out slowly. "You think it's gonna be hard to find a new community? People who'll be a mix between us? Who'll accept me for who I am and understand how much your religion means to you?"
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Post by Joelle on Sept 7, 2019 9:01:06 GMT -8
"You're probably right- you would not have gotten the same reaction. Because see...that's what happens when you get religious because you've been taught to have those beliefs, but it's almost as if the beliefs mean more than...actual people. How you treat them. That's not right, ever, and while I don't think I was quite there, I was definitely super uncomfortable. It's almost as if I didn't feel I had permission to hang around them because of what the Church taught. But that's wrong too, because just because someone's beliefs are different from yours- in any respect- doesn't mean you can't like each other and be friends and genuinely wish someone well in life."
He thinks about her other question. "I don't know if it will be hard to find both of those things together. I really don't. I find myself hoping it's easy, but nothing else about this is easy either."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 7, 2019 9:19:52 GMT -8
Anastasia sighs yet again, leaning back against her pillow. "Yeah..." she softly agrees. "I'm not particularly expecting it to be easy either. And I don't want you to have to find an all new group of friends because of me. It's hard enough to find a place where you feel like you belong as a kid, but it just gets harder and harder as you get older. And as things start changing about you or happening to you. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. And I'm blessed to have Brennan and Tracey in my life. If it weren't for you and them..." There she goes talking about the Harlan-O'Brien family again. "I really hope you'll get to know them a bit better now. Especially since you know what they did for me."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 9, 2019 16:14:50 GMT -8
"I definitely will. I mean...like I said, I feel like...other people would see me as a freak for wanting to stay with you. Or, well, they might when they find out..." He sighs. "I hope no parents tell their kids to stay away from ours when school starts because of this. You might tell them to tell their kids to keep an eye out for that since they're such good friends already." He doesn't know how to tell the kids about the rest, but somehow, he can't say nothing about that part.
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 9, 2019 16:47:07 GMT -8
Anastasia sighs. "Right..." She dreads what might happen to the kids if not-so-tolerant parents get wind of this. Even from the start, it has always been a hang up for her, and she's lost track of how many times Brennan or someone else from the group has had to reassure her that it wouldn't be the end of the world. "I'll talk to them. See what they suggest. I'm sure they have ideas on diffusing these kinds of situations."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 9, 2019 17:01:05 GMT -8
"I hope so. Of all of this, I think this will be the worst part to watch, and I hope they're young enough to bounce back easily. Or that we find counselors. Or something." He sighs. "I mean, I wouldn't worry overmuch about it, but in a new town, one where they don't have friends yet... I know how any kind of difference can make people shy away all too well."
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Post by starletinwaiting on Sept 9, 2019 17:11:14 GMT -8
"We don't have to tell anyone yet," Anastasia replies. "It's not like I can immediately get this ball rolling anyway. So that'll give the kids some time to settle in. Make new friends. And so many kids have divorced parents that I'm sure that won't be an issue when we go through those proceedings. All of this is going to take some time."
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Post by Joelle on Sept 9, 2019 17:42:55 GMT -8
"Good. I mean- not like I want to get divorced, I just think it might be a way for us both to be happy- in the end, I mean. You'll be the oerson you want to be and I still get to be with you. But it is going to take some time- for all of us, I think- for it to really sink in that this is happening at all. I think you're right- it's best not to rock the boat yet."
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