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Post by Joelle on Jun 25, 2019 10:09:45 GMT -8
June 25, 2019
Looking on the Internet this morning, Celine has just realized upon checking that she has only four classes left before graduating with her doctorate! She had thought it would be so much longer. And also, it brings her a little bit of relief that she has also- bravely- searched for more information on FES bikes despite not being able to use one at the moment. If they bought one for the hospital here for others to potentially use- or maybe two, one to keep at home, nowadays they'd pay approximately $1,900, not $15,000! She feels, for once, cautious- $3,800 is still money- but more hopeful than not. But there's still one big regret she has, and it's a scary one. She's made a scrapbook for herself of her figure skating,( berkshireglen.freeforums.net/thread/332/celine-andrieux-figure-skating-scrapbook ) starting as soon as she had met Nell and gotten old pictures, but now that she has children, she thinks they would find it neat, too. Sneaky Nell had also posted a video (http://berkshireglen.freeforums.net/thread/316/celine-pappas-andrieux-figure-skating ) online of a performance Theo and the kids probably hadn't seen yet. She doesn't know why she continues to torture herself, but she does want them to know about her former life. And yet... the horseback riding accident.
Celine hasn't been on a horse since, in part because she is afraid she would fall off again and lose what she still has. But with some of her dreams coming true, she's ready to tackle this one regret, and horseback riding is still safe while pregnant. She thinks of figure skating more, but facing her fear might heal herself as well as Nell, who still feels guilt for turning Celine on to horseback riding in the first place as an activity the sisters could share.
Today, she wants Theo's opinion on this, not sure if the kids would quite understand her reservations. They'd probably think riding a horse is cool. One or both of them might even like it themselves!
On the piano, because it looks nice there as well as a few photos from their wedding, is the following photo of Celine at 12 before the accident: And if he walks in, he will find her playing the following song to remind herself that God is her hope regardless of whether her dreams come true or not. She sees Zephaniah 3:17, Job 38:7 (the words are different, but it gives her the idea), and Jeremiah 29:11 in that song, and has been playing it ever since it came out a couple of years after her accident.
( )
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jun 27, 2019 19:25:54 GMT -8
"I love this song," Theo comments, adding a pas de chat into the room.
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Post by Joelle on Jun 27, 2019 20:26:20 GMT -8
Celine smiles as she finishes the song. "Me too," she says after a minute. "I lost so much after the accident, but not God's plans for my life. Sometimes I have to remember that, especially when I'm considering...regrets I might have. It's safe while pregnant, but I haven't been on a horse since..." She sighs wistfully, then smiles again. "Oh! I found out today I have only four classes left to be able to graduate. I guess that started me thinking about other things I might be able to put to rest. I don't think the kids would quite understand how much it scares me, so I wanted your opinion. It's not just for me, either, really. Nell still blames herself for getting me interested in horseback riding in the first place." She touches the picture in its frame gently. "Clearly, that girl thought she was invincible."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 2, 2019 22:22:51 GMT -8
Theo takes a seat next to her. "What are we talking about here?"
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Post by Joelle on Jul 3, 2019 3:29:00 GMT -8
"Just that I thought I was invincible until I had my accident." She reaches for his hand and holds on. "It's safe to ride a horse while pregnant, and...I'd like to try again. But I haven't been on a horse since my accident, so I hope you know how much it scares me that I'm even thinking about it- and it would, regardless of whether or not I were pregnant. I need to do it though, for myself, and for Nell, too. She felt so guilty because horseback riding was something that was her idea in the first place- something we could do together. She never had quite my coordination when it came to skating." Celine chuckles, remembering. "But...the horseback riding...It feels like unfinished business. Plus...I miss the wind in my hair." She grins. "The flying. The exhilaration. And the weather is perfect, so as long as I don't go terribly fast I should be fine. But...there are risks, and I'm not talking about the baby."
She gulps. "I could have another fall, and lose...everything, all the mobility I still have in my upper body, and even the ability to breathe without medical assistance. I thought I'd already been through the worst- other than maybe dying- but I was wrong. What I'm talking about would be worse." Celine shivers. "I'm willing to trust, but at least in this, I wasn't sure the kids would understand. Thay'd probably think it was awesome- not that it isn't, but yes, there are still risks, even if my accident was the worst I thought could happen at the time. But it's an adventure. Considering all that...I want to know what you think."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 5, 2019 12:48:19 GMT -8
"Everyone thinks they're invincible until the realize they aren't," Theo observes. He chooses his next words carefully. "I'm okay with moderate risks in life. Are the risks more in our situation?"
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Post by Joelle on Jul 5, 2019 15:44:08 GMT -8
"As long as I go with a therapeutic riding program- meaning it would be assisted- no, the risks aren't more than usual. Actually, an Iraq veteran with a spinal cord injury from the war was used in the study I read about. His balance improved a lot, as well as his muscle strength. The balance, I'm pretty good most times with, thanks to the figure-skating and the previous riding, but the muscle strength can always be improved- or even just kept- by a program like this. Because I'm pregnant-I forget why, exactly- but I might even need the muscle training more. Does it sound feasible?" She pauses to think, still feeling a little scared- because for her another fall is a rational fear- but a joy comes into her face that hasn't been there in years, the kind of joy that's only there when she relives her old memories....or when she's able to just be. Only now, it may not be only memories anymore, soon. "Regardless of whether or not my dreams come true, God is still my hope. But if I can put an old regret to rest...and if it improves my life in any way, which it can, it's worth trying. Just...don't give up on me, okay? If I need a few deep breaths, that's fine, but...don't let me chicken out. I can't skate or dance the way I'd like to, yet, so I need this." She knows she doesn't have to ask for support, but it doesn't hurt to know she can. Again, Celine thinks of how she'd like to dance with Theo. "It's a step, right?" she adds with a grin. "There are differences between adaptive horse riding- probably what I'd be doing- and what's called hippotherapy. Someone like me may actually be able to benefit from both. Hippotherapy gets you used to the repetitive motion of the horse's gait, which mimics walking, and requires a doctor's prescription if you plan to use it, because the therapy is tailored to your goals- muscle strength is just one of those goals. Adaptive riding is... the classical dressage I'm used to, but assisted. The adaptive riding usually has more people, actually, than just the physical therapist and the horse leader, so personally, that seems safer to me- side-walkers to make sure no one falls, for example...but because it's done by a licensed physical therapist, hippotherapy sometimes has the doctors sit in as well. The adaptive riding would also have assisted vaulting- which isn't like it sounds...no jumping, I believe. But hippotherapy is about repetitive movement, where assisted vaulting involves you learning to hold your place in different positions."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 6, 2019 18:21:10 GMT -8
Theo is quiet for a moment. "I see you have done your research. It sounds promising. I think I might like you to wait until after the baby comes, though. We already have a lot to focus on."
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Post by Joelle on Jul 6, 2019 18:54:40 GMT -8
She nods, and laughs. "I'll try- though taking a baby along might prove challenging if she needs fed." Celine chuckles. "So many exciting possibilities, but also so much to wait for, hmmm? I have to say I'm getting a little... impatient for something to happen- in only the best way possible." Celine puts her hand on her belly. "Hey now. I didn't mean today!" she laughs as she feels a tumbling inside her as the baby changes positions, which is followed by a tiny foot. "This one will dance professionally, like you, maybe." She is now almost 30 weeks pregnant, so Theo will probably be able to feel the baby move too.
"So close now..." she whispers. "Plus, four more classes until my PsyD... lest I forget. That means I can be licensed sooner than expected. Plus the FES bike... eventually, and I found out that one of my spinal chat friends is interested in moving here. And she's due on my birthday!"
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 9, 2019 10:15:07 GMT -8
Theo is relieved Celine is not excessively disappointed. He would never forbid her from doing what she thought was best, but he is honest that there is already a lot going on.
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Post by Joelle on Jul 9, 2019 10:34:43 GMT -8
"I can hardly believe any of it, really. We're so blessed, even if it does seem everything comes at... times inconvenient enough to cause a little disappointment and confusion. It seems to mean more- and cause more emotion for me- when all the significant things happen on top of one another, you know? Just when I think I've dealt with everything I miss as much as I can, there's always something else I remember. The past is a funny thing. Horseback riding is just one of the things I've thought was impossible for even longer than we've waited for this baby," she says with a laugh, her hand on her stomach as she feels the baby move. " Now that I know I can, I just... don't want to leave any stone unturned... though it is a little overwhelming when all my dreams seem to at least be possible at once... the ones not coming true already. Do you have anything you've always wanted to do, but never got to?"
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 10, 2019 15:15:34 GMT -8
"When it rains, it pours, huh? Or the opposite, I guess. There is nothing I need at the moment. I would like to maintain my ability to dance when I can, though. Use it or lose it." Theo laughs at his plethora of cliches.
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Post by Joelle on Jul 11, 2019 5:39:17 GMT -8
"I think the problem, in my case, is that my blessings so often seem to be mixed ones. Or like the FES bike...I can't do that until it's safe to use electrodes, so I can't be pregnant when that happens. Which is almost a shame, considering that if I'm anything like my bio mom, at this point I could give birth to- at least- two or three more kids, plus adoptions. I'd like to do both if God wills, you know?" After that, she can't talk for a moment. They don't take her breath despite not being exactly comfortable, but Braxton-Hicks contractions are still a new enough experience to startle Celine.
"There now, see my problem? All these dreams are possible, but both God and my body seem to be telling me to focus on just one right now, and it still doesn't stop my mind from going where it wants to. There must be a lesson in that somewhere. Something about living in the moment?" She would laugh if she felt at ease, but she's still a little startled. "I've read drinking water helps stop these. I should...try to...hmmm." Celine now has to consider both her belly and her wheelchair while using the piano, and is finding it challenging to move, much less go into the kitchen. "This could be an issue. Even so...it's worth it." She manages a smile.
"But I agree, you should keep up with your dancing when you can, and besides that, I'd like to dance with you... at least once. Just to see what being your dance partner would be like... though, dance partner or no, I'm still ecstatic all these years later that I get to be your wife."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 13, 2019 13:26:17 GMT -8
"God tells us to be content with what we have. I also think goals are good because they give us something to focus on. Maybe making a timeline plan will help organize your thoughts. We need to be flexible in case things don't go as planned, but sometimes being able to see the end of a goal helps me focus."
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Post by Joelle on Jul 14, 2019 13:59:29 GMT -8
Celine chuckles at herself. "It's hard for me to find a balance some days, between being content with what we have and having goals, I think. Especially now. When I first had the accident, I never dreamed some of the things we're finding out about would even be possible. Not that I'm not happy right where I am- goodness, she's a feisty one! Well, these things seem to have an order, at least now that you mentioned a timeline. I don't know about the years, but in order of the goals, besides the baby there's my degree, so there's two things to focus on simultaneously- one while I'm waiting for the other. Then, after the degree...the horseback riding, the bike, the dancing, and another baby if one comes. Barring other circumstances that maybe move more children to sooner, which I won't prevent." Celine says with a wink. She knows how long they have both wanted this baby, their first biological child, even though Verity and Finn aren't loved any less. "Does that sound like a good order to you or would you change it? I'm open to advice." She realizes that she forgot about her skating, but maybe, if he would like to learn, that's also something they could do together after they find out if the FES bike will work.
"Of course, if the FES bike doesn't improve my mobility as much as I'm hoping for- or even at all- I'll have to come up with different goals altogether. I'm not really sure what some of those would be, but we can figure that out later. Of course, after my degree is finished and I'm licensed, I'll be able to spend more time at church while the kids are at school- not that I don't now."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 15, 2019 13:41:58 GMT -8
"Well, maybe we can work on getting access to a FES bike. Have you thought more about the best way to do that?"
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Post by Joelle on Jul 16, 2019 8:40:51 GMT -8
"I've seen them on Ebay... they're about $1,800, so that seems more possible too, now. But I'd still need someone to teach me to use anything with electrodes. I've found two centers where they could do that so far, and if Carmen tagged along- with her cardiology internship she uses a lot of electrodes- she'd be able to teach people in BG how to use one as well. She's not a physical therapist, but sometimes has people ride bikes for stress tests. Anyway... those two centers. LA or New Jersey?" she grins. "You're the one who has to miss work and dance, so your pick."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 19, 2019 17:30:32 GMT -8
Theo pauses. He hadn't counted on a trip before. "When will we need to do that?"
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Post by Joelle on Jul 20, 2019 10:16:15 GMT -8
"Hmm, let's see. Ideally...a few months after I've recovered from the baby, when I'm back to myself. We'll need time to make hotel reservations as well, so we have time to look into this, but I've read the training is about 3 weeks long."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 22, 2019 15:32:36 GMT -8
Theo nods. "Okay. Keep me posted." He is used to having a lot on his plate at once and also has learned to take things a step at a time.
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Post by Joelle on Jul 23, 2019 19:12:33 GMT -8
"You know I will, I know where you live...." she teases. "Thank you for loving me and supporting me." Not to be outdone, the baby kicks again. "I mean us," she says.
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 27, 2019 19:36:32 GMT -8
Theo kisses his wife's forehead and then her belly.
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Post by Joelle on Jul 29, 2019 21:42:46 GMT -8
Celine sighs in contentment. "As much as I feel brave right now- in the sense that there are so many possibilities and I'm up for whatever adventures life may bring us- so much of what I've always wanted is right here. You, our huge extended family and our kids. And if God never gave me another thing in my life, I think right now it would be enough. What about you?"
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Jul 31, 2019 17:39:20 GMT -8
"God gave us everything when He sent His son. Everything else is blessing upon blessing."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 1, 2019 2:11:47 GMT -8
She laughs. "You're right, as usual. Life right now is hard to beat, though." As the baby kicks again, Celine grins. "Maybe Verity is right. About her... flighty personality, I mean, not that we should name this one Hummingbird. I hope God gives her some of the courage and self-esteem I lost. The world needs those of us who are not afraid to love, fully and without fear of hurt or rejection because of that love. If we're supposed to be like Jesus was and is, it's the kind of love we need to have- reckless. He knew that kind of love would be rejected, but it didn't stop Him from loving people fully- as the Father does. Sometimes I'm still a little ashamed of myself- past hurts or not- that I can't always seem to love that way. I don't mean people I don't trust, either. Maybe all human beings are a little afraid to love fully, knowing it will cause pain later."
Celine thinks back to the night they were engaged. "And that's another reason why I like the word abide so much. Continuing without fading or being lost- in spite of pain or fear or any other negative thing one could name."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Aug 1, 2019 18:10:15 GMT -8
Theo takes on a thoughtful expression and pulls out his phone. He types in 'girl names meaning abiding.'
"Kamalalaya," he reads. "That's a mouthful. 'Abiding in a lotus.' Nope." He keeps scrolling. "Tishta. Khalid. Lots of Indian names meaning abide.
"Here's one: Cora means maiden, but this site says the connotation is abiding in God. Tamar, Tamara and the like mean palm tree, like being rooted. Lael means 'belonging to God'. Eliana means 'God has answered me'. Constantina: 'continuous, abiding. Hm..." he looks into the distance, thinking. "Constance Noble sounds a bit like Constantinople. That won't fly.
"I tried."
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Post by Joelle on Aug 1, 2019 18:19:40 GMT -8
"Hmm..." Celine thinks. "I had Eliana on my original list. Those are thoughts, anyway. We'll decide when she gets here... but I like the idea. Unless..." She types in "unfading." since abiding means to continue without fading or being lost.
"Amara means 'unfading' in Latin and 'grace' in African Igbo. Hmm."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Aug 2, 2019 0:55:55 GMT -8
"Oh?" Theo raises an eyebrow. "You're really going to wait that long to name her? I'm shocked you don't have a teenage journal full of this stuff. "
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Post by Joelle on Aug 2, 2019 10:49:46 GMT -8
She smiles softly. "I did. Most of them were either names I'd never use now- I still laugh at myself for saying we should call Finn Theoden, even though Theo is right in it- or names that I can't think of nicknames for, but that might sound strange without one- like, I always did like the sound of Salome. And the girl name I thought meant the most- the one I always said to myself I'd use- we did. Anastasia. That one came to me after I'd been adopted- it sounded...healing, I guess, considering that I had been told I'd never walk again, and until I did a lot more research I wasn't sure it would be healthy for me to give birth. Then I found out it was your aunt's name after I met you, so that solidified it. Then we lost her. Another of life's little ironies, I guess." Celine touches the necklace she now rarely takes off, her eyelids stinging a little.
"You did mention Joanna, though, and I like that. Joanna and Salome were both at the tomb of Christ. I'm seeing a theme here, even if we may have gone different ways to get to it... just maybe not an obvious one to most people."
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Post by MarieEliz (Mayor) on Aug 7, 2019 18:38:33 GMT -8
"Salome always sounded like Salami to me."
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